Today’s Mandala Message: Is Being Direct the Best Policy?
This week I’m working through Principle #49 from Jack Canfield’s “The Success Principles” entitled “Have a Heart Talk”. I set my intention today to ponder being able to share how I feel…which is one of the agreements of the Heart Talk process. My conundrum with talking about how I feel is that I’m usually able to do so but I don’t always feel safe enough to talk about how I feel because of who is present and thus I tend to say nothing.
In a somewhat related way, right now I have a situation where a person, I call them “S”, wants to make a connection with me and I don’t want to reciprocate. I’ve known S in group settings for over 10 years and have yet to have any desire to hang out with S on a friendship basis. My challenge is figuring out how to tell S without coming off as a cold, heartless bitch…even if I do say it as nicely and as kindly as possible.
So I asked the great and powerful Google for advice and found this article by Chris MacLeod, MSW on SucceedSocially.com about how to turn down a new friendship where they suggest one of two approaches: 1) be direct or 2) keep making excuses until the person stops asking. About the two approaches MacLeod states: “Both methods have their simple and tricky parts. On one hand, being direct is quick and straightforward, though many people find it uncomfortable to be the rejector. Making excuses spares you from the awkwardness of having to reject someone, though it can be a bit stressful and tiresome to have to fib over a longer stretch of time. All in all, I think being indirect is somewhat easier. Most people are fairly nice, considerate of others, and really dislike having to reject anyone. Using excuses may make them feel a bit deceptive and slippery, but that’s preferable to knowingly shooting someone down. Though again, just because something is easier doesn’t mean it’s right. I think what makes the Use Excuses approach better is that it’s likelier to save people from emotional pain. That it’s easier is only a bonus.”
While this didn’t give me an answer to my situation, it did help me decide how I want to move forward. Because I don’t have the time or energy to spare with playing the “use excuses” game, I’m going to go with the direct approach. Before I do, I have a couple of close friends that I can approach for guidance.
really…the only reason I struggle with this is because I don’t want to hurt S’s feelings…even though intellectually I know that I have no control over how other people feel. S is a good person, we’re just on two different wave lengths and I value how I spend my time and with whom I spend my time.
A good mindfulness practice would be to ponder what approach you prefer to use: direct or excuses?
So how about you? Do you find it challenging to share your feelings? Do you put it off because you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings? Do you prefer to be direct but opt for the ‘use excuses’ because it seems easier?
“Life is really simple,
— Confuscius
but we insist
on making it
complicated.”
Blessings,
Maureen
The Mandala Lady
All Things Mandalas
An Invitation
I invite you to color along with me this year as part of what I’m calling “The Year of Self-Exploration and Expansion” with all of my “Mandalas of the ___” (day, week, month, year). If you’re interested in more of a self-exploration approach to coloring, check out my “Coloring Mandalas as Meditation”. You can download this mandala at MandalaoftheWeek.com.
Mandala of the Day 