Goodness
“the state or quality of moral excellence and virtue”
I was raised always to be good…to be a good girl, to get good grades, to do a good job with my chores, to do good deeds for others, and so on. Looking back at it now, for the most part I felt like I was trained to be “good” so that I would win favor with those in authority (parents, family, teachers, priests, nuns, neighbors, and so on). In other words a lot of my “goodness” was because I had to be, otherwise I’d be criticized, judged, reprimanded, or thought of as “less than”, and so on.
I also remember thinking that if I do this “good” deed, then I’ll get the approval I so disparately wanted and needed. “Maybe now I’ll be good enough” seemed to be my driving force for many years.
All of this messed me up for decades without realizing it, which led to categorize myself as a “flaming codependent” (FC). And because of that I nearly lost my whole sense of self. I was hanging on by a thread. Thank goodness I discovered therapy. It literally saved my life.
What I realize right now is that over time and because of my FC, I began feeling resentful, angry, and frustrated because I didn’t see much of it reciprocated. I’m being a “good girl”, doing what I’m told and what’s expected of me, while I see others behaving differently…and I don’t see them being reprimanded for their “not good” behavior…if anything, they seem better off because of it.
Thankfully, over time I learned to do “good” things because it usually helped someone else and it lifted my spirits in the process. I discovered that it made me happy to do “good” for others and to be “good”.
I’ve also learned that I can say “no”; that if I’m about to do something because it will make me look good…I’ll stop myself and check in: do I really want to do this out of the goodness of my heart or for the accolades?
A few years ago, when my dad had a stroke, we had to clear out my his house, garage, attic, and shop of 70 years to prep it for sale. We had six weeks to plan an estate sale and then dispose of everything that didn’t sell. Since I was the only sibling without a full-time job, most of this was left for me to manage.
And even though I’ve had a rather contentious relationship with my dad, from the bottom of my heart, I truly wanted to help him out…because despite everything, I still cared about him. I also knew that it would make him happy to have all of this taken care of…which in turn made me happy that I was able to do it for him. It did my heart good to see him happy and relieved when it was all done.
After his house was on the market, my aunt came up to me and said: “You were a good daughter for taking care of the house like you did”. It struck me as odd. I wanted to tell her, I didn’t do it to be a good daughter or win favor. In that moment, I realized that she wouldn’t understand, so I kept my mouth shut.
btw…I’ve managed to downgrade my FC to intermittent spurts of codependency. I’m a WIP.
How about you? Is goodness a core value for you?
BTW…here’s what it looked like to begin with…
joyfully,
Maureen
The Mandala Lady
inspiring and encouraging creativity, curiosity, and play through the art of mandalas
About the 2024 Mandalas of the Day
Each day I will create and post a mandala inspired by one of 366 “value” words chosen randomly. The objective being to discover for myself which ones would best represent my core values…and by doing so, I hope it inspires you to determine your own.
Mandala of the Day 