2017-247: Doodle Mandala: My Issue with Being Fat

This one is personal. I decided that rather than keep trying to lose weight to no avail, how about asking my body, my fat why it wants to stay. With that intention I created this Doodle Mandala.

My progress for today:

[Select an image for a larger view]

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala - self help

1 – prep

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala

2 – set intention and doodle

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala - red

3 – add some bright red in very loose style

4 – add darker red with texture

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta

5 – add magenta in swirly texture

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple

6 – add purple in a smooth texture

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple blue violet

7 – add blue violet loosely

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple blue violet watercolor paper

8 – wet the background with water

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple blue violet watercolor paper white gel pen, pen & ink

13 – remove blue painters tape and sign

9 – add blue violet to background – still wet

9 – how it looks after it dries

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple blue violet watercolor paper pen & ink

11 – add line texture to doodle with black ink pen

mandala of the day - fat - doodle mandala red magenta purple blue violet watercolor paper white gel pen

12 – doodle white gel pen patterns over mandala

The more I painted this one the more I started recognizing some subtle yet powerful anger and resentment issues related to fat, food, and having/being enough. A year and a half ago I had reached my goal weight and maintained it for almost a year. Then it slowly slipped away, with me thinking “oh I’ll get back on track tomorrow and it will be good again.” Well it got way out of hand.

I realized how proud I was to have reached my goal and yet another behind-the-scenes part of me said “that’s not how we roll.” I find that now I’m beating myself up about it. And rather than being proud of myself, I’m disappointed in myself.

Inspired by Sara Roizen’s art, of Art Therapy Spot, I knew I had to put white lines in different patterns over this mandala by about Image #9.

Before adding the white lines, though, I let this painting sit for a couple of hours without knowing what exactly I was going to do with the white. When I sat down to it, I felt like it needed wavy lines. And after a few wavy lines, it needed spirals. It’s almost as if the white lines represented the energy healing of a reiki session.

The whole time adding the white lines, it felt like I was re-writing my story. That I can be proud of myself regardless of my body size. So for now, I’m just going to let that sink in for a bit and allow myself to be okay with myself just the way I am.