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Lesson 135: ”If I defend myself I am attacked.”

AI Reframe: Defensiveness assumes threat.

Suggested Practice:
From the Lesson:

“For fifteen minutes twice today we rest from senseless planning, and from every thought that blocks the truth from entering our minds. ²Today we will receive instead of plan, that we may give instead of organize. ³And we are given truly, as we say:”

If I defend myself I am attacked.
But in defenselessness I will be strong,
and I will learn what my defenses hide.

“Nothing but that. ²If there are plans to make, you will be told of them. ³They may not be the plans you thought were needed, nor indeed the answers to the problems which you thought confronted you. ⁴But they are answers to another kind of question, which remains unanswered yet in need of answering until the Answer comes to you at last.” (ACIM, W-135.22:1–23:4)

“…Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. ²For you can not conceive of all the happiness that comes to you without your planning. ³Learn today. ⁴And all the world will take this giant stride, and celebrate your Eastertime with you. ⁵Throughout the day, as foolish little things appear to raise defensiveness in you and tempt you to engage in weaving plans, remind yourself this is a special day for learning, and acknowledge it with this:”

⁶This is my Eastertime. And I would keep it holy.
I will not defend myself, because the Son of God
needs no defense against the truth of his reality.

BTW…this is one of those lessons, that I would highly recommend you read it in full. Of course, all lessons are worth a full read but this one in particular offers a richer, more in depth, experience than I can give here.

Message

This lesson seems confusing at first. The title talks about being defensive when feeling attacked, yet the practice says to stop planning our days and instead receive them. Then we’re to open each practice with “If I defend myself I am attacked…” These seem like two different concepts. Let’s explore.

During my first practice session, I was reminded of my childhood. When my mother called my name from another room with a certain tone, I — without realizing it then — would immediately go into defensive mode. While heading toward her, I would scan my brain for a reason I had upset her, so I’d be ready for whatever attack came my way.

If this scene were a video, I would pause it right here and tell my younger self:

Listen, first of all, we have no idea what she wants. That’s a fact. Just because in the past that tone mostly meant we did something wrong, bad, or stupid — take your pick — doesn’t mean it’s the case this time. Other times she needed help with something completely banal.

The ego is brilliant at remembering the past. It has to, to keep us safe. We touched a hot stove once and burned our fingers. That information helps us now: hot stove hurts — stay away.

But when it comes to interacting with people, we have no idea what they’re thinking or what their motives are. All our ego minds can do is speculate based on the past. Right now, we’re in defensive mode. Fear has taken over our senses, making it hard to think clearly and blocking access to the Divine’s assistance. Physically, our bodies have shifted into protector mode: shoulders up, jaw tight, stomach braced. We’re facing her, but from fear’s weaker perspective, not love’s.

No matter what she says, we’ll react from fear. Which means if we did do something “wrong,” we might lie, make excuses, or get angry at her for pointing it out.

Had we come from love’s perspective, our bodies would be relaxed and strong, our mindset open. No matter what she said, we’d respond from neutrality. If we did something she perceived as wrong, we’d listen first, acknowledge our part, and take corrective action. Unfortunately, this perspective was never modeled for us. All we knew was fear’s approach.

That’s what I would tell her in that paused moment. Had I known this then, it would have been so much fun to calmly and casually respond to whatever she said — even if she was fuming — with something like “OK. Duly noted.” She wouldn’t have known what to do with that. And who knows, maybe it would have stopped her in her tracks and changed her mood for the better.

Having said all this, I wonder: which comes first, being attacked or feeling defensive?

It’s a trick question. The only way we can be attacked is if we’re already defensive. Which means we’re always on the lookout for someone to attack us. For example, if we think all drivers are inconsiderate — always cutting us off, never letting us merge, tailgating too close — that’s how we’ll see everyone on the road. We’ll assume everyone is out to get us.

One way out is to consciously recognize our fear and choose differently. Or, when someone actually lets us merge, we can recognize a break in the pattern — wake up, in a sense — and choose differently. Or, if we’re aware enough, we’ll question our assumption about “all” drivers and choose differently.

Now, what does this have to do with planning our day?

Just as facing my mother in defensive mode cut off access to love’s perspective and the Divine’s assistance, so can our experience be when we face our day in defensive mode. We’ll see each day’s tasks as attacks on our peace, without realizing that if we stop for a moment and ask for Divine assistance, we’ll receive the insight we need.

For instance, whenever I catch myself frantically being pulled from one task to another without completing any, I stop where I am. I take a breath, put my hand over my heart, and with eyes closed ask myself: Of all the things I need or want to get done today, which one serves me best to do right now? Almost immediately, I sense it — a soft voice or a visual in my head. Then I know what to do next.

I also do this on the morning of a busy day. I make a list of what I’d like to accomplish. Then I check in with the Team for Their help putting them in order. Sometimes the order makes sense. Other times it doesn’t — until I do them, and then it becomes obvious. Those days are especially fun.

Essentially, this lesson teaches us that if we approach people, circumstances, and our days with a defensive mindset, everything will seem like an attack — no access to peace or the Divine’s assistance. If we approach with a Divine mindset, there is no attack. No need to be defensive.

One more story to support the message.

Yesterday, my first flight was delayed 1.5 hours, causing me to miss my connection. Not knowing this yet, I had 10.5 hours on the first flight to switch back and forth between two mindsets.

From fear, my ego mind thought: What if I miss my second flight? I don’t want to deal with that hassle. Will I miss the airport shuttle home too? What if there are no flights available today? Why are they doing this to me?

From love, I heard: It will all work out one way or another. Breathe. Try to sleep. Maybe a better opportunity will come up. Would it be so terrible to spend the night in a hotel and be well rested for the second flight?

When I went to check my luggage for the connecting flight — still teetering between the two mindsets — the airline agent matter-of-factly told me I had missed the flight.

Fear said: Oh shit — what do I do? It’s their fault!

Love said: Can I catch another flight?

In that moment, love’s voice felt better, so I went with it. While the agent looked, and I breathed myself to neutral, a quiet inner voice said: See if you can fly to Eugene instead of Portland. So I asked.

The agent replied, “Oh. Actually, yes you can. It leaves in 1.5 hours.”

This was perfect. It gave me time to calm down, slowly eat dinner, and let my husband know my status. More importantly, it would get me home sooner than the next Portland flight.

Looking back, I could have been defensive the whole time and seen everyone as attackers. But because of what I’ve been learning through these lessons, I knew I had options. I could choose fear, neutral, or love.

The Course doesn’t actually talk about neutral — at least I don’t think it does. I offer it here because it gets me to a place where I can remind myself that I have options, and it’s a place where I can ask for Divine assistance.

Bless you if you’ve made it this far. I’m almost done.

I’ll close with this from the lesson:

“Your present trust in [the Divine] is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality. Let no defenses but your present trust direct the future, and this life becomes a meaningful encounter with the truth that only your defenses would conceal.”

“Without defenses, you become a light which Heaven gratefully acknowledges to be its own. And it will lead you on in ways appointed for your happiness according to the ancient plan, begun when time was born. Your followers will join their light with yours, and it will be increased until the world is lighted up with joy. And gladly will our brothers lay aside their cumbersome defenses, which availed them nothing and could only terrify.”

”We will anticipate that time today with present confidence, for this is part of what was planned for us. ²We will be sure that everything we need is given us for our accomplishment of this today. ³We make no plans for how it will be done, but realize that our defenselessness is all that is required for the truth to dawn upon our minds with certainty.”

“Lesson 135…comes in handy whenever I’m tempted to play victim. It’s the perfect antidote when I notice myself feeling offended by something someone says. It’s particularly useful when I forget the truth about myself.”
— “The Course in Miracles Experiment” by Pam Grout

Blessings & Peace,

Maureen,
The Mandala Lady

transforming soul whispers
into mandalas & channeled messages
for clarity, peace, and joy

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